With Christmas around the corner I suddenly remembered our very first Christmas together. We'd been dating less than three months and I was desperately trying to hide all the weird things I did.
Living with severe vestibular migraines some of the things I do just to function normally are:
I don't move my eyes when I talk or nod
I don't turn corners sharply when I climb stairs...I walk right to the top of the landing, pause and turn my full body before climbing up the next flight
I close my eyes when I turn lights on or off
I can't text in a moving vehicle
I sit facing forward and do not move my head when I'm in a car
No matter how cold or hot it is I keep the windows open
Sometimes I have a sip of coke to stop the nausea
The list is endless... and I really didn't want him to know. I wanted him to think I was healthy and full of energy. It was all in my head. My own insecurities. I had someone tell me once, "I don't want to hang out with you because I don't want to be medical assistance..." This person's words still haunts me to this day. At the time I'd started dating Aaron, those words were fresh in my mind.
Back to Christmas Day. It was my first "cold," Christmas. Living in Saudi Arabia, Australia and India I only knew hot summery December's. I was nine when I had a cold Christmas in England but I don't remember the feel of the weather.
Aaron took me to Namsan Tower. It was beautiful and brightly lit up. The place was bustling with people. We giggled and bought our heart shaped locket, just like all the other couples. I tried to ignore the throbbing and stabbing pain on the left side of my head.
We then took the lift up the tower. Before we boarded the lift there was a beautiful room filled with artwork of Seoul. I was horrified at the sight. It was overwhelmingly colourful but even worse the room was a spinning room...it spun around in a circle...to everyone's delight but mine.
I slumped against Aaron's shoulder. He looked at me with concern.
"I'm fine," I mumbled. But I wasn't.
I didn't want to spoil our first Christmas together. I gritted my teeth and forced myself to ignore my body which was screaming at me to just stop and take a moment. I should've listened because when we got back to my flat my body forced me to listen.
Aaron barely had a chance to put his winter jacket down when I hit the floor with a dull thud. I wish I could say I swooned gracefully like they do in the movies but in real life being sick is ugly and messy. My hair was all over the place, my face pale, the pain unbearable. I knew how gross I looked.
Aaron was terrified. He'd never seem me like this before but he was calm as he gently picked me up and cradled me. "What do you need?" He asked me. "How can I help you?"
I wanted my friend. I wanted a girl. I didn't want him to see me in this state. He called her over. Despite making tea in the microwave and eating "biscuits," with her Sunday roast we had become good friends and worked at the hagwon together.
She came over immediately, no questions asked and stroked my hair in the back-seat of Aaron's car as he drove us to the hospital.
I was hooked up to an IV, they had to stop the vertigo and nausea and kill the pain. My friend stayed in the waiting room and Aaron sat by my hospital bed. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes.
"I'm sorry I ruined Christmas," I whispered.
He smiled gently at me.
"You didn't ruin anything," he said.
"Do you still want to be with me?" I asked him.
"Off course," he said.
He held my hand. I just looked at him blankly. I wanted my friend with me. He nodded understandingly and then he did something that I will never forget.
He took his jacket off and placed it on the chair he was sitting on.
"When I go and get your friend I don't want you to be alone," he said. "I am your guardian."
Guardianship in Korea is a very special thing. Usually it's someone older who has a moral and sometimes legal obligation towards someone...husbands and boyfriends can be guardians to wives and girlfriends, parents are guardians to their children, bosses are guardians towards their employees....it's a beautiful and sacred bond in Korean society not to be taken lightly.
He was my guardian. I'd never had a guardian before and thinking about it now it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
However, at the time I was horrified, insecure, upset and sick. I hated that he saw me like that. That I couldn't hide it. But he taught me I don't have to hide, when I'm sick I'm sick. He's taught me to be kind to myself and to look after myself.
Migraines, still largely misunderstood, with no cure in sight, is so much more than "just a headache," to everyone who suffers with this condition be kind to yourselves and take care. Sending you all the love and good vibes! ❤️❤️
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